The First Five Pages…To The Drawing Board

After reading Chapter 2 of Noah Lukeman’s The First Five Pages , I wanted to see if this piece of advice would help improve the little bit of writing that I have done (and basically prove if it is true). Therefore, I found some of my old writing pieces from the Creative Writing class that I took almost two years back at Northeastern. I wrote a short story for the class called “The Devil’s Cupid”, which is a story about a woman who has been in love affair with a guy, even though she is knows the relationship is bad for her. Here is an original excerpt from the story:

They slipped out through the back door, holding hands, running off as if they were school children. Her friends did not notice that she was gone, because they were too busy spilling wine and laughing, celebrating the fact that they made it through another year. It was officially 1999 and she was in love. He picked her up and threw her over his shoulder and made his way to the edge of the beach. Once they were far enough from the house, he placed her down on the sand. He walked toward the ocean and jumped in.

“Are you crazy? You’re fully clothed” she said. He laughed and took his shirt off and threw it at her. She could see the shape of his family’s crest on his shoulder blade as the moon shined on it. He dove back under, splashing the water toward the beach.

“What was the point of that? You are already wet” she got up and ran towards the water after him. She wanted to be near him and laugh with him. He swam away from her, teasing her to follow. She smiled and ducked under the water. She blindly made her way close to him, but far enough that he wondered where she went.

“Kara?” he called, with a sense of worry in his voice. She grabbed his legs from behind and pulled him under. He twisted to face her and grabbed her waist, and pulled her and himself up back to the surface. She leaned in and kissed him, as they treaded the water.

“Look up, and tell me what you see” he whispered in her ears.
She tilted her head to the sky and noticed that the night was filled with a million stars. Each one of them was twinkling at her, as if watching this moment and enjoying it with her.

“They are beautiful!” she awed.
“You have never seen stars before?” he grinned.
“Not so many.”

He turned on his back and slowly stroked his way towards the shore. She followed after him. They climbed out of the water and collapsed on the sand. Her eyes still on the stars and his eyes on hers, watching her lying there like an angel. He wanted her, but he would rather watch her look up at the sky, because this was a perfect moment. She was young, but mature and beautiful. He would take in the moment, because he would be back at school and away from her. Surrounded by females, that went too far with their make-up and never had anything smart to say. He adored her, but she could be nothing more then a sister to him. She turned towards him and touched his face.

Now it might not have helped that this short story has been read by various other students before and has had the changes that needed to be made to them already. But based on Lukeman's idea of adjectives, I thought I would be curious on what changes you guys would make. Do you think there is just enough description or lack of description? I know there would be a few changes that I would make, like take out a few metaphors such as "...watching her lying there like an angel". The reader would have gotten the same idea if I just wrote "watching her lie there". Based on the End-of-Chapter Exercise, do I have any clichés with my nouns or verbs that don't seem original? I am curious to see what you guys think.